


I'm Not Deserving

by skz_jpeg



Series: ~vintage~ [1]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, M/M, Self-Conscious, Self-Doubt, Time Period: 1950s, i read this over and i swear if there are typos/mistakes, im gonna sail myself to the bermuda triangle, im. just. soft., inspired by pics i saw on pinterest, no actual smut, seongsang best boys, sorry kids, though the time period isn't that important at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:00:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21914062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skz_jpeg/pseuds/skz_jpeg
Summary: “If I tell you,…”“If you tell me?”“Will your thoughts of me still be the same?”“There’s seldom things in this world that could change the way I feel about you. I can say that with all the confidence in my body.”
Relationships: Kang Yeosang/Park Seonghwa
Series: ~vintage~ [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1578385
Kudos: 56





	I'm Not Deserving

**Author's Note:**

> twitter: skz_jpeg
> 
> song: Andrew Belle - Pieces  
> image: from the movie _Call Me by Your Name_ (2017)

Not a single cloud in the sky, not a single spot of darkness save for the shadows casted. It was a beautiful day. Not too windy, making it just cool enough to not all but melt under the sun.

He’s been in this spot so many times but never alone like he was today. He was reminiscing on all the times he was here with _him_. Remembering the feeling of his hands on his skin, on top of his clothes, _his_ head rested on his chest when it wasn’t his resting on the other.

It was hard for him and he wishes it wasn’t. It was hard for him to love with all of his heart when his mind kept telling him that he wasn’t worthy of the same amount of love back. He didn’t want to be selfish and just take that love and run with it. No, he wanted to give his all and feel like he deserved it back.

He’s cried here many times before but from laughing so hard, from being so happy and free and weightless, from the _pleasure_. But today, he was crying because he felt like he was broken to pieces. He was the one who called it off, he was the one who walked away without a proper explanation, he was the one who made his lover’s face crumble in a way he’s never seen it do before and he wishes to never see that again. He probably won’t if he never sees him again, period.

His closed eye lids didn’t stop the overflowing tears, not one bit, and he let his face scrunch up as he cried hard, his only witness being whoever created this clear blue sky.

His breathing was skipping and the tears made his warm face feel cold for just half a second but he made no effort to fix any of those issues.

“I knew you’d be here.” He gasped and opened his eyes but didn’t turn his head, didn’t look anywhere but straight up. “Been running around town to find you but no one’s seen you. Your ma’s worried about you, you know?”

Yeosang hated his tone. Hated that it was still so soft like he was sharing a secret with him. Hated that it relaxed him at this very moment.

“Why can’t you yell at me? Why must you be so…you?” Yeosang sniffled but still kept his spread eagle position atop of the wheat field.

“I could never be upset with you, darling. Not when I’ve done something to upset you first.” Yeosangie clenched his eyes shut as he forced back a violent sob.

“You didn’t! The only thing you’re doing that’s upsetting me is not spitting at the sight of me!” Seonghwa looked confused, hurt, offended even.

“Why would I do that?”

“Because!” Yeosang groaned, thrashing around slightly as the frustration within himself started taking over. “I’m garbage! I belong in the landfills.” He hated that his heart in his chest nearly jumped out after hearing that low chuckle from Seonghwa.

“You’ve always been one for dramatics.” Seonghwa walked closer until he was in Yeosang’s line of vision, or he would be if the younger opened his eyes again. Yeosang could sense his presence. If he so much as twitched a finger, he’d be touching the soles of his shoes.

“Why are you crying, love?” Yeosang’s face scrunched again at the pet name that so smoothly passed his lips.

“Please, don’t call me that.”

“As much as I’m fond of your birth name, it is not what I called you by often. But if it’ll make you feel better, Yeosangie, I’ll do it.” Yeosang didn’t say anything afterwards and so the silence engulfed them for a minute. Seonghwa stared down at his face, watched as his eyebrows slowly unfurrowed, as he gulped a few times, as the tears on his cheeks dried, but he yet hasn’t opened his eyes letting Seonghwa hyper focus on his long, delicate eyelashes resting on top of his cheek bones and casting the slightest of shadows upon them. He could see them well even from his height.

Without saying a word, he moved to sit down beside him. Slowly, to not ruin the quietness.

“Why were you looking for me?” Seonghwa paused his movements, just as his bottom was half an inch from the ground before finally setting it down on the grass.

“I must say, as much as I want to respect your wishes to never be with me again, I don’t think that’s what you really want.” Seonghwa spoke softly, again, like he always did.

“What makes you think that?”

“You looked just as heartbroken as I did.” Yeosang’s breath caught in his throat.

“W-well, I just ended a whole year’s worth of memories. Excuse me for being any amount of sad.”

“Why did you, though? And tell me God’s honest truth.”

“What makes you think I’d lie?”

“If not to hurt my feelings, then,”

“I would never dream of wanting to do that.” Yeosang cut him off.

“Then tell me, love.” Still, so soft, his tone. Not pushing him to tell him but still encouraging him to do so.

“If I tell you,…”

“If you tell me?”

“Will your thoughts of me still be the same?”

“There’s seldom things in this world that could change the way I feel about you. I can say that with all the confidence in my body.” Yeosang gulped again.

“What if I told you, that I don’t think I can love you like you love me?” Seonghwa must admit, that hurt more than any physical injury he’s had thus far.

“Oh. I see.” Yeosang’s tears kicked up again.

“I, no, hyung, listen to me.” Finally, Yeosang opened his eyes but sat straight up before Seonghwa could take a good look at them. Yeosang stared at his feet, ignoring the hand on his back removing the dead grass stuck in his clothes and hair.

“I really, really love you. So much that, it’s too much. Sometimes. I feel like,” Yeosang sighed in frustration at how difficult it was for him to just say how he feels.

“Take your time, love.” God, stop calling him that.

“No, like,” Yeosang licked his lips and looked down at his fingers, Seonghwa’s hand now mindlessly rubbing his lower back, something he tended to do whenever Yeosang felt upset about anything.

“I’m afraid that,” his voice turned to something just above a whisper. “That the love you give me is more than what I deserve.”

“I would only give you what you deserve and more, if it’s what you ask of me.”

“No, it shouldn’t be that way. I need to,” Yeosang breathed out heavily as the sob crept up on him. He let himself be pulled into Seonghwa’s arms, let himself be selfish for the moment and bask in the comfort the older gave him. He’s doing it again. Taking advantage of something he wasn’t deserving of.

“Yeosangie, I think I know what’s truly going on in that beautiful mind of yours.” Seonghwa brought a hand up to gently tussle his curly hair.

“Then tell me ‘cause sometimes, I don’t even know.”

“You think my love for you is forced. Don’t you?” Yeosang didn’t even know that that’s truly what he felt. “That there’s no possible way I could love you half as much as you love me, hmm?” Yeosang’s silence spoke volumes to Seonghwa and he tried his best to not join him in tears.

“I’m afraid I don’t know how to change your mind about that because it’s not true. I could only love you like I have been. If I could open up my heart and my mind so you could see my true feelings and intentions, I would and you’d only see that my love for you rivals your love for me. I only want _you_ to experience this kind and this amount of love I have for you. I couldn’t possibly give it to anyone else.” Seonghwa reassured him but like he said, he didn’t know how else to reassure him with words or actions if it’s all he’s been doing for the past year, is loving him.

“I,” Yeosang was a bit speechless, rubbing his forehead against the material covering Seonghwa’s chest, moving his hands to cup Seonghwa’s thighs innocently. “Do I really deserve all of that?”

“You deserve the most, darling. I could only hope I can provide that for you.”

“And what if, what if I can’t do the same for you?” Seonghwa tilted his chin down, if not to hear him better then to let his cheek touch Yeosang’s forehead.

“I believe you can. I’ve known you long enough to tell when you aren’t genuine. If what you’ve shown me of your heart this last year was false, then you belong alongside Grace Kelly.” Yeosang huffed and squeezed his thigh with one hand and used his other to swat at the older’s arm around his shoulders. Seonghwa chuckled again. This time, Yeosang could feel the vibrations as he did so.

“But I truly don’t think you’re capable of such evilness, no?”

“I might be.” Yeosang pulled his head away far enough to meet his eyes. If he went a little cross-eyed with their close proximity, Seonghwa didn’t mention it and Yeosang didn’t mention it about his eyes either.

“No, you’re too pure.” Yeosang blushed and wiped at his cheeks.

“I’m not that pure.” He said shyly with a growing smile. Seonghwa bit his lip with a smile border lining a smirk.

“I suppose not. I think you’d have to remind me of that, though. That is if you’ll have me back.” Yeosang’s smile wiped out for the moment.

“Oh, God, please take me back. Is that too much to ask for, though? I-I did break it off when I should’ve just, spoken to you about it. I’m sorry, I’ll do better.” Seonghwa didn’t let him worry any longer and put his finger under his chin to keep his head propped up when he kissed him ever so gingerly. Seonghwa’s lips felt soft and pillowy, like they always do, like he was used to. He hoped he’d be the only to feel them for the rest of their years.

“You should know by now that I belong wholly to you. You’re everything to me. Time and time again, I’d run to you if I believed you’d still want me.”

“And what if I didn’t?” Yeosang moved his hand to rest on his chest, above his heart and smiled at how fast it was beating. How could be so dumb when this man did everything but cut himself open for him?

“Then as heartbroken as I’d be, I’d respect your wishes.”

“Mm. You’d never have to worry about that, though.”

“I wouldn’t, huh? I know.” Their voices matched the tone of sharing secrets. In the wide open field, dead center, they pretended anybody could overhear.

“Please kiss me.”

“Why don’t you kiss me, sweetheart, if you missed my lips that much?” Seonghwa taunted him, biting those perfectly red lips of his.

“Now’s not the time to tease me.” Yeosang declared before extending his neck just enough to press their lips together. This time, it wasn’t a soft, chaste little peck. They gave their all into this kiss. Yeosang’s hand squeezed his thigh while Seonghwa’s squeezed his waist. Yeosang’s other hand gripped at his collar while Seonghwa’s other hand held the side of his neck, his fingertips in his hair and on his jawline.

Butterflies tickled their insides when, at the same time, they reintroduced their tongues to each other. Just a slight graze but it sent shocks up and down their bodies. Seonghwa was the first to pull away, having to physically hold Yeosang’s head in place so he wouldn’t dive back in so quickly yet. They breathed in each other’s air for a few seconds.

“Remember what we did right here in the Spring?” Seonghwa asked him, keeping his eyes on the other’s lips.

“Oh, how could I forget?” Yeosang’s eyes got the memo to look at the other’s lips as well. His hand slid further up Seonghwa’s thigh, settling in the crease of his pelvis.

“Wanna relive it?”

“Please.”

**Author's Note:**

> I. had a vision. It derived from fucking Pinterest. That place is dangerous but what the hell would I do without it? I am a woman in my 50s searching for inspo. (I'm not actually 50 tho k)
> 
> The stories in this series will be ~vintage~ inspired. What does that mean? lol idk. The time period/era of the fics in this series will not be current/modern time. It will be mostly if not only 20th century. and bc im american and learning an entirely different culture in the 20th century is a tad difficult, i'm gonna stick to what i'm more familiar with. i hope it doesn't throw you off too much.
> 
> the setting of this particular fic is in the 50s if you didn't get that from the mention of Grace Kelly.


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